Attention Parents and Students,

Starting on the last day of school, June 18, 2015, we will begin construction on a brand new, three-story high school which will house all students from Woodbridge Township. It was the determination of the Board that the schools’ students cause too many problems, and that it would be better to have everybody in the entire township be friends.

Because of the combining of schools, some faculty will be laid off and all sports teams and extra-curricular groups will have to unite and work together.

We expect production of the new school to be accomplished by the end of 2018. Due to the lack of funding, it will have to be done quickly and economically. To that end, toilets from the existing schools will be recycled, along with lighting ballasts, asbestos-ridden floor tiles, and all existing furniture. We will also have worse food than we already do for a little. We apologize but it will have to be this way.

A poll will be taken to find the new mascot, with the lead contenders thus far, the Baratrons, Bartangots, or Tritons. But, you know, we’ll decide that later. Right now, we have toilets to carefully remove.