by Brittany Sa

Woodbridge High School principal Mr. Lottmann has an important question for anyone who may listen: “Can you smell what The Pebble is marinating?”

The tagline-in-progress is influenced by his idol, Dwayne Johnson, widely known by his wrestling moniker, “The Rock.” Ever since he was a young teacher, Mr. Lottmann has idolized The Rock, who is only six years his senior.

In fact, Mr. Lottmann maintains a shrine featuring headshots of The Rock in his office, near his college diplomas. During his free time, he binge-watches reruns of The Rock’s appearances in WWE events, and tries to synchronize, with much enthusiasm, the famous saying, “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?”

Some might say that Mr. Lottmann’s man crush has grown to be more than a simple idolization: he wants to be him.

“My husband is a great man, but I feel like I don’t know him anymore,” said Mrs. Lottmann. “He’s shaved his head like Mr. Johnson, he has been working out in the same gym as his students to get as big as Mr. Johnson, and now he wants to be a wrestler like Mr. Johnson.”

Junior Amber Spearnock said, “It’s cool to have a principal that wants to be a WWE wrestler, but it’s awkward whenever I bump into him in the gym.”

Although Mr. Lottmann has always preached that his students should be themselves and never someone else, he now claims to be the exception. “I don’t want to be exactly like the Rock, that’s ridiculous,” said Mr. Lottmann, “That’s why I’m going to be original and call myself ‘The Pebble’ instead.”

He is currently working on patenting his stage name, and his phrase which is currently “Can you smell what The Pebble is marinating?”

Woodbridge High School students are becoming concerned for their principal, as many suspect he is being consumed by his fantasy. Numerous students have reported witnessing him staring at his reflection in windows while flexing, and hearing him while he recites his stage name over and over again under his breath in the hallways.

There are multiple rumors that connect Mr. Lottmann to a project to build two marble statues of The Rock and The Pebble flexing, replete with top hat and cane, financed by funds originally earmarked for new textbooks. However, an examination of Board minutes does not reflect approval for such a project.

Vice Principals Mr. Connelly and Mr. Chiera are concerned for Mr. Lottmann’s sanity, and are reportedly looking into getting him psychiatric help. Until such a time may come, students are warned to always carry a hall pass, or they may find themselves in trouble with The Pebble.