by Domenic Schnee

To help ease the burden of walking through the crowded freshmen and cockroach-infested hallways, school principal Mr. Lottmann has used all the remaining funds allocated to the school by the Woodbridge Township Board of Education—an impressive 10 dollars—to bring crossing guards into the building for the remainder of the school year.

“We are looking for the best, brightest, bravest, cheapest, retired old men and women we can find. We need 10 people, all over 60 years of age, with nothing better to do, willing to work for a dollar a piece. Text ‘Barron Crossing Guard’ to (732)123-1234 for more information,” read Mr. Lottmann’s employment advertisement on the marquee outside the school.

The selected staff, at an undisclosed time and location, reported for training which was conducted by five faculty members of WHS, all with unique abilities and talents in regards to forcing students into submission.

The crossing guards were split up into groups of two, assigned an instructor, and given a section of the school to monitor. Mr. Sacco is in charge of the 2nd floor, Ms. Hain the 3rd, Mr. Stadtmiller the D-wing, Mr. Kobylakiewicz the cafeteria hallway, and Mr. Chiera the freshman hallway.

The crossing guards were informed what rules they were to enforce, and how, for the sinners, out-of-school suspension will be administered. “The best way for a student to learn the lesson for breaking a rule on school grounds,” said Mr. Lottmann, “is to send them off school grounds entirely. Then, they’ll sit home, not learn, and re-evaluate their mistakes!”

The faculty members who ran the training each had their own reasons for accepting the new endeavor for a .0000000000000001 dollar increase in their salary.

Mr. Sacco, who teaches History and AP Macroeconomics, said, “These students are killing me. They can’t tell me the First Amendment but they can run loose in the hallway all they want. Plus, Lottmann promised he’d buy me some Jose Tejas if I did the training. Oh boy!”

AP Literature, Satire, and Mythology teacher, Ms. Hain, said, “These students have loud mouths, but I have a louder one. I love these kids, but I love my eight year-old daughter, too, and you could ask her: Mama Hain knows how to lay down the law.”

Mr. Koby, who teaches Health and Physical Education, said, “Let’s go, clear the hall.”

Mr. Stadtmiller, who teaches Video Game Design, and was recently proclaimed “chillest man in the Universe,” by his students, said, “I love my job, and I love my students, but it’s time to get tough. You’re not going to see me smile so much anymore.”

Mr. Chiera, the school’s new vice principal, said, “I didn’t see training crossing guards in the job description when I applied for the position, but I like the vote of confidence in my ability.”

Many rigorous training drills will be imposed on the tributes, and their final task will be to break up a mock-fight, with Mike Tyson and Floyd Mayweather acting the part of students.

The administration has full confidence in the 10 candidates’ abilities to survive training and get the job done.