by Angelica Seramba and Samantha Paladino

In a move to cement their rightful place in the student hierarchy, student-athletes who, for years, have been admired by their peers, will be crowned royalty at the spring Pep Rally.

The school administration has decreed that student athletes will be crowned by their respective coaches, with the highest titles given to the football players and cheerleaders.

Senior cheerleading captain Monicka Old was elated with the news. “Finally, we’re getting recognition for being superior over the other students–just like we deserve,” she said.

After the ceremony, athletes will be awarded new school privileges commensurate with their obvious supremacy. Athletes will no longer be required to attend any academic classes, but will find themselves with a hefty schedule of gym, cooking, and art. In addition, athletes will no longer face consequences for behavior or attendance issues, as royalty are often exempt from the rules.

Athletes, teachers, and physically ungifted students alike are excited to adopt these new policies. The “regular students,” as senior quarterback Adonis Zeus called them, are relieved to finally have their inferiority solidified.

“To be honest,” said senior Joe Regular, “I’m happy to have my place at the bottom of the high school hierarchy set in stone. Now, it’s much easier to differentiate between who I’m worthy enough to speak to.”

All of the Woodbridge High School community is thrilled to finally see athletes favored in a manner they’ve earned and deserve. Even the teachers are elated to be able to openly favor the athletes without pretending to value any non-athletic students.