Woodbridge Administration Releases Raccoon in School

Drooly+the+Raccoon+monitors+the+hallway+for+any+late+students.+He+has+contributed+immensely+to+the+decline+of+tardiness+among+students.
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Woodbridge Administration Releases Raccoon in School

Drooly the Raccoon monitors the hallway for any late students. He has contributed immensely to the decline of tardiness among students.

Drooly the Raccoon monitors the hallway for any late students. He has contributed immensely to the decline of tardiness among students.

Drooly the Raccoon monitors the hallway for any late students. He has contributed immensely to the decline of tardiness among students.

Drooly the Raccoon monitors the hallway for any late students. He has contributed immensely to the decline of tardiness among students.

Giovanni Santiago, Editor

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As a solution to the widespread tardiness plaguing students, Woodbridge High School has been releasing a rabid raccoon in the hallways to promote punctuality.

Instead of walking diligently to their next classes, many students take advantage of the five-minute passing time by talking to friends or standing casually in the halls. However, students have been on the lookout for the school’s new rodent, Drooly the Raccoon.

Administration releases Drooly from the school’s boiler room four minutes after the bell, allowing students to have a substantial head-start. However, procrastinators who wait until the last minute to head to their classes will need to run like their lives depend on it.

While the infestation of cockroaches did not help Woodbridge High School, the feral animal may be a positive addition to the Barrons family, says English teacher Mr. O’Halloran.

“Mr. Perry is getting many complaints from parents saying that a raccoon carrying a dangerous disease may not be good for the school,” he said. “However, I truly believe Drooly is causing all our students to ‘stay woke’ when in the halls.”

Drooly does not come without any opposition. Following a plethora of insults directed towards Mr. O’Halloran, English teacher Mr. Switek said that releasing a raccoon is “stupid and unsafe.” “Releasing a raccoon is never going to work. If they really want to fix tardiness, perhaps they should invest in a Chestnut-Fronted Macaw,” he said. “Yeah, rabies is startling. But have you ever tried to wash Macaw waste out of your hair?”

Students have mixed opinions about having an animal roam the halls. Many believe that having a raccoon is monetarily efficient since they have a free petting zoo within their grasps. While others, like senior Jack Golden, fear that being attacked is inevitable and imminent. “I used to enjoy coming to school,” Golden said, “but recently, I’ve resorted to using my insulin pen as a possible weapon for self-defense.”

Undoubtedly, the idea of using Drooly has many risks involved, but the tardiness rate seems to be significantly decreased. Regardless, to prevent oneself from being bitten, they must remain vigilant and be sure not to run fast but run quicker than the person next to them.