Sad English Teacher Missing, Rumors fly at WHS


Ery Richardson

Sad english teacher crys on his own missing poster, as he is missing.

Ery Richardson, Reporter

We’ve noticed the doleful face of one Brian O’Halloran, sad english teacher, missing from our halls. Mr. O’Halloran’s absence was unexpected, and it’s brought a lot of questions to the table. Who will teach his classes?

How will the Chromebooks get fixed? Who’s taking the roll of knit tie wearing loser? And of course, the most discussed rumor of them all these last few weeks, was Mr. O’Halloran fired? Here at the Barron Perspective, we took it upon ourselves to dish out the truth of what really happened by piecing together the rumors and getting to the bottom of this. 

The Interrogation

First we spoke with three people who were close colleagues of Mr. O: Ms. Kuziemski, Mr. Chittum, and Mr. Jago. 

Barron Perspective: So, we wanted to ask if you knew anything about Mr. O’Halloran’s absence? 

Mr. Chittum: I have no idea what happened. He left me to read. 

BP: What? Ok… well what does that have to do with- 

Mr. Chittum: If he doesn’t want to communicate then whatever, he’s not worth it anymore. 

BP: Okay, well thank you for your input. Mr. Jago? 

Mr. Jago: Mr. O and I have been…”friends” for a long time. I can’t imagine he got fired for anything other than those awful knit ties he wears all the time! 

Ms. Kuziemski: Guys, wait, who are we talking about? 

Mr. Jago: They’re trying to find out why Brian left. 

Ms Kuziemski: Who’s Brian? 

Mr. Chittum: The first stage of grief is denial. Its ok, sometimes I wish I could just forget him too 

BP: Um, Okay thank you! Lots of tension here I see. The pieces are slowly coming together. 

Hefty Accusations

Now we’ll be hearing from two teachers who taught Brian O’Halloran way back in the 60’s! Mr. Modeszto and Mr. McLaughlin. 

BP: Mr. Modeszto, what have you heard about Mr. O’Hallorans leaving? Did it come as a shock to you? 

Mr. Modeszto: They finally caught up with O’Halloran. Heard he’s been illegally and unethically padding his income, a side hustle if you will. The word in room 203, always a reliable source, is that when he takes students’ chromebooks, under the pretext of “fixing ” them, he steals them and sells them on the very internet he promotes. He sneaks them out of the school, one chromebook at a time, in that Spiderman lunch box of his. Uses the extra income to buy bowties or some such nonsense. Despicable, really. Rot in prison, filthy animal. 

BP: Wow. There are no words, truly, no words. Mr. McLaughlin? 

Mr. McLaughlin: O’Halloran? Yeah, I remember teaching that snot back in the day. Terrible student. Could not have been a good teacher. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was fired. He used to wear a bow tie everyday in freshman year to convince people he was a “good” kid. Total con artist. Good riddance, if it is the same guy. 

BP: Fraudulent and crooked is what I’m getting from this. I think we’ve almost got it. 

A Word from The Boss

Our last voice of the day will be our principal himself, Dr. Lottmann. 

Dr. Lottmann: Who? 

BP: Brian? O’Halloran? Mr. O? Honda Odyssey? Knit tie? Trenta cold brew double espresso with cold foam? 

Dr. Lottmann: Oh…who?

BP: It all makes sense now. 

The Conclusion

After extensive research and interviewing, we’ve finally solved the mystery with the help of our wonderful staff. We don’t mean to shock you but, Mr. O’Halloran was not fired. In fact, he still works here in this very building.

He simply has returned to his creator. Life is one big beautiful journey, and no one taught us that better than Brian. He started as a deformed clump of cells that broke off of Mr. Sweitek when he got sick of reading high school girls terrible poetry. Brian has lived a very real human life.

However, all things must come to an end. Mr. Sweitek is getting old and he needs that extra life force back. So with that, the legacy of Brian O’Halloran comes to an end. We thank him for his time here at WHS and the incredible impact he’s had on students and faculty alike. Thanks, fam.