by Dan Whooley

In a radical move by the Woodbridge Township School District, administrators have decided that the best form of education is mindless repetition. In an upcoming council vote, the township will decide that in lieu of traditional schooling, students will take the Domestic Universal Multi-scholastic Board (DUMB) test at the beginning of each year.

Due to the confidentiality surrounding the content of the test, students will not receive any test preparation. Therefore, classes will not take place. Instead, students will come to school on one designated day in September to take the test.

“Like with earlier standardized testing, the level of difficulty would be compromised if students understood the test,” Administrator Jack Weinstein said to the press earlier this week. “That would make it too easy for them.”

There has been some pushback from school staff, and Woodbridge High School English teacher Ms. Hain is among them. “These tests would be a huge inconvenience since they’d cost me my job and all. I know I’m a bit on the disorganized side, but should I be fired for that?”

Several other teachers expressed concerns over the test, as well. “Life would be a lot tougher if these tests took effect,” said English teacher Mr. O’Halloran. “I’d be forced to rush my self-published novel and go back to acoustic guitar gigs to cover the bills.”

Earlier this week, dozens of teachers marched on Town Hall to oppose DUMB, but the protest was countered by nearly 5,000 screaming students.

A recent poll suggests students across the township almost unanimously support the new test. “This test gives me more time to pursue my own interests,” one student said, “specifically sleeping on my couch and watching Netflix.”

However, there is a small contingent of high school students who have begun campaigning against DUMB, even making an appearance at the protests at Town Hall. Their demonstration was quickly silenced by students throwing rocks and shouting “Nerds!”

Controversy has built as the day looms when the school board will vote on the new testing.  Councilman Howard Jensen has expressed doubt on whether the bill will be struck down. “The people who created this test have no classroom experience, which ensures that the test is unbiased when it comes to students,” he said. “As for teachers, they finally get the vacation time they keep complaining about.”

As for the greater Woodbridge area, citizens have been shockingly apathetic to the new testing. “As long as my taxes don’t go up, I couldn’t really care less about the new standardized testing,” a citizen was quoted as saying.